Fuck this shit.
I am fucking mad about my social conditioning. For those new here I am outwardly presenting as a woman but inwardly feel just like a person. However, those feelings don’t matter to society and I have been treated and raised as a woman. A white woman, so on one hand a fuck-ton of privilege and on the other a fuck-ton of nonsense.
I happen to be in a hetero relationship, meaning that my partner is a man and identifies as such. And even though they have no use for modern conventions of gender relations I feel like that our relationship unfolds similar to the typical hetero-normative ideal. And I wonder if that most of the time the problem is me!
Mainly because in some past history of my life I feel like I have been conditioned to be two contradictory things, one part is hyper independent. The other is hyper self-effacing. Or maybe self-sacrificial?? Though I know that self sacrificial part come from my stint in American fundamental Christianity, something that I an no longer a part of. But however, it happened I have evolved to put the needs of my family and my partner first, rather than myself. And it fucking sucks.
Take for example the fact that I love to exercise. In fact, it’s not that I love it, it’s that I need it. This has to do with my sobriety, which we won’t get into, but I need that hit of the feel-good hormones. It’s the hit that I crave and exercise is the best way to get it. Otherwise, I would be drunk all the time, and I do not want to live that way.
So, instead of going to the gym and working out (and I’ve found a great one here), I stay at home and just be a slave. Okay, that may be a bit dishonest, but it feels that way. But my brain simply will not allow me to focus on myself until all the home things are done. And anyone with a home knows that the home things are never done, they always exist. So it feels like I’m stuck in a loop of doing the typical women chores of the home while working AND doing the nights with my kiddo. Because guess what? My kiddo still doesn’t sleep well at night. We were up every fucking wake window last night and I cannot fucking handle it.
So, I need to start to create more space in my brain for myself. I need to, I must. This type of existence is non sustaining. My life has completing become something where I do not recognize most parts of it, and it makes me sad. And grief is a direct road to anger. Fuck this shit.
No Responses