I’m pissed today.
I’m pissed almost everyday, but today I’m especially pissed. I’m pissed because as I entered into parenthood completely oblivious about how much it would affect me personally. And how unfair that is, mainly due to society’s expectations of women or the main caregivers.
I’m pissed because no one has talked about what exactly happens with a baby comes out of a body, or how that can go wrong. Or haw that one pivotal experience can alter your body for the rest of your life. And if you’re not paying attention, you only get one body… you only get one life, and I’m completely miffed over the effect of this on my body even now at three years postpartum.
I’m especially miffed because it all seems so one sided. My male partner?? It doesn’t seem like this journey into parenthood has completely blown up his life. Nope, he still has the same career, hist body is the same and more importantly he didn’t suffer under the dearth of postpartum hormones that significantly alter brain physiology. Have I mentioned that I now have (what feels like) extreme anxiety?
I’m not sure where it comes from, but I have my suspicion that it started when I was induced with my kiddo… which is a story for another time because even though it’s been three years, it still feels too recent to share. But due to some events that happened with my birth experience corresponding with the extreme about of hormones, and the fact that now I am a primary caregiver to a new person has left me with a new brain… one that I don’t entirely like. I was reading a blog post on this site about what to do in early labour or about C-sections and birth preferences and it just makes me so sad that I did not have adequate support for my birth.
I think the main reason that I’m so often pissed off is that I fail to advocate for myself in relationships. That I assume that the other person will see me, will care for me, and will step out of their own nexperience to put priority on myself (not all the time) but in important events like when a baby comes out of me… but no that didn’t happen. Is this too much to ask?
For my partner yes… which makes me incredibly angry because I’ve been socially conditioned to care for others, to see their pain, and to try to at least meet them where they are. But no, I guess men are not conditioned this way and that makes me fucking mad.
I’m not even the only one that feels this way! If you go into women* spaces online, you’ll see story after story about our collective disappointment with our partners. Fuck them.
*here’s that term again. I hate it.
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