I was incredibly naïve…now I am incredibly tired. I am incredibly tired and I am incredibly fat. I was such an asshole as a younger person. I remember seeing older women/fem-presenting people who were old, grey, and maybe a bit overweight and thinking, “I’m never going to let myself get that way”.
I was an asshole
And now I’m a bigger asshole, or more like I am striving to be in inconveniencing women*. I no longer hold my anger in when I’m in a fight with my loved one. I no longer care at all what random people think of me. I’ve just realized that I am an enormous people-pleaser and that this behaviour has gotten me nowhere. The people I’m trying to please are not pleased with me. The people I’m trying to be nice to do not give a fuck about me.
I’ve been trying to skate through life without causing harm on anyone while this type of behaviour is not how others have been treating me. Go figure.
I’ve been trying to not to be a burden on those around me, but all that does is it reduces my ability to care for myself. Take for example the first eighteen months of my child’s life. I spent only my money caring for him, taking a long career break too and my partner just kept working on. He makes bank too and here I am going into debt because for some reason we both think that it’s my financial responsibility to get us through our day.
Bollocks.
Now I get a fair share of money from him because I am still the primary caregiver. I am still on-call if he ever gets sick. I am the one whose life becomes upended whenever he needs to stay home from playschool. What the absolute fuck. How can all of this fall onto one person’s shoulders? How can one person be responsible for a small child. It is nearly impossible.
I am so mad, so tired, and so fat now that I need to go back in time and punch my younger self and say, “you don’t know squat kid”. Nowadays other mothers are my favourite people to be around. Prior to my kid being born I just wrote them off because I did not think they were interesting. Now? They are the only people I want to spend time with. It’s because they have the same intense experience as me, we’re all on the same boat trying to survive while having young kids.
Hence this blog. I’m pissed. All day, almost every day and I need a place where I can vent these feelings. This place is a haven for all those who have too much rage to fill a library. Female rage. Welcome.
*I’m a bit non-binary, where “women” matches my outer appearance but not quite how I feel on the inside. I don’t like this word but writing non-binary every time does punch the say way… just so you know
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